THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be

"meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,

He WILL NOT use, as His

messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always ONE

individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.

Very often, that individual is crazy.

The most powerful negative force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your friends love you anyway.

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.

If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

And finally... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.