A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she
wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and
flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three
roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked
you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad
because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time
ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted
to thank you for his new ears."

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think I'll go and see my Doctor!" His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your piss and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his piss, went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW,

SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR.

AVOID HEAVY WORK.

YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at thelast minute, masturbated into the concoction. He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his money.

After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER.

THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE F*CKED,GET IT TO A GARAGE.

YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB.

YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP WANKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black? Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!" The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, "Are...my...test...results...back?"

A man in doctors surgery

"Doctor, my penis has gone blue"

"I'm not surprised, everyone says you are a tight fisted wanker"

A surgeon went to check on his beautiful female patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine Miss "

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor."

The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I?"

"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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