Professions 1

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £17,000 a year  and you get the really big bucks £ 200,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................

''Try doing it with the engine running."

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they

aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town

prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly 

woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've 

known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment

to me.   You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and then

talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you

haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a

two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since

he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife

with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost dropped.

 The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you f***k Heads asks her if she knows me, I'll send

you to the electric chair.'

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers
and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we
can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all
over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"

A Texas Cowboy walks into the Dentist's Office and after 

an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out.  I'm going 

to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The Cowboy grabs the Doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles - -

I'm not having any shot!"

So the Dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The Cowboy replies, "Absolutely not.  It makes me very sick for 

a couple of days.  I'm not having gas."

So the Dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,

"Here," he says, "Take this pill."

The Cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The Doc replies, "Viagra."

The Cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the 

pain?"

"No," replies the Dentist, "But it will give you something to 

hold on to while I pull the tooth" 

Scene: Squad of raw recruits in latrines.

Sargeant: You`re in the army now so you piss the army way,

1/undo flies

2/take out cock

3/pull back foreskin

4/piss

5/put back foreskin

6/put your orrible cocks away

7/do up flies

Next morning the sargeant is alone on parade so he sets off to find

his men, after searching the camp he comes to the latrine block

to hear the breathless sounds of his men.

3/5/3/5 CHANGE HANDS

A lady goes to the dentist and sits in the chair and puts each leg over the arms of the chair.

“Excuse me, madam, I think you want the gynaecologist next door.”

“No I don’t. My husband was down there last night and I want you to get his false teeth out…”

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.

First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.

"Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this anus, but licked my index finger?"

Doctor`s surgery a woman is picking up her husband`s

test results.

"Well Mrs Roberts what`s your husband`s first name? "

"Peter, is that a problem? "

"Well, yes it is actually, you see I`ve got results for two

Peter Robertses; one has V.D the other has chronic heart disease"

"So you can`t tell which is which, great bloody great, what am I supposed to do? "

"Well when comes home from work send him on a 5 mile run, if he comes back don`t have sex with him"

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