What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

Man in confession box Man: Father I have sinned, I saw my wife bending over the freezer and I was overwhelmed by lust, I just ripped off her drawers and had her there. Priest: That`s alright my son. You are married Man: So I`m not banned from Heaven Priest: Of course not Man: Thank God for that, coz I`m banned from Iceland

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'm going to leave that up to you." "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver.

There was a nun in the bath when a knock came to the bathroom door. "Who is it?" she said. "It's the blind man" came the reply. Oh well, she thinks, if he's blind he can't see me so I can let him in. "Come in" she says. The door opens and there stands a man who says "Mmmm nice tits. . . where do you want the blind?"

A crematorium, the bereaved wife takes the urn containing her late husband’s ashes, she tips the contents into her gloved hands and blows the ashes to the winds. “Well Bert there’s the blow job you’ve always wanted”

The booze-up after a day’s miracles. Jesus: “I will now turn this water into wine.” Peter: “You put your money in the Kitty like the rest of us”

A bus stop was sited close to the church which had a wayside pulpit notice board on which was bodly written "WHERE WILL YOU BE ON JUDGEMENT DAY" Underneath someone had written; "Still waiting for a number 125 bus,"

Scene:- At a convent, a very excited nun bursts into the Mother Superior`s office “Mother Superior, there`s a case of syphillis in the convent” “Oh goodey, I`m fed up with communion wine”

Scene: A priest is sinking into a marshy field and is unable to get free, he prays to God to help him. Soon after a fire-engine arrives and the crew offer to pull him free. "No, no I've prayed to God to save me and I'm waiting until he comes" Sometime later the priest is up to his chest in mud and prays again. "God, I've been your faithful servant for so many years, please save me" Soon after a fire-engine arrives and the crew offer to pull him free. "No, no I've prayed to God to save me and I'm waiting until he comes" Soon after the mud finally engulfs the priest and he goes to heaven. Whilst in heaven the priest finally meets God "Why, why didn't you save me?" "I SENT A FIRE-ENGINE TWICE, WHAT MORE DO YOU EXPECT?

SCENE: Two Nuns out in the car on a sunny day for a country drive. Whilst driving through a forest the Devil jumps out of a tree onto the car bonnet. 1st Nun: Shoo shoo go away 2nd Nun: Wind down your window and show him your cross 1st Nun: OK! Get off the f***ing bonnet

SCENE: After the flood, the earth is drying up, suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice is heard. "NOAH! COME HITHER" "Yes Lord, what may your humble servant do?" "I WISH YOU TO BUILD ME AN ARK" "What another one?" "YES MY FAITHFUL SERVANT BUT THIS ONE IS FOR THE FISH, IT MUST HAVE MANY LEVELS ALL INTEGRATED, YOU SEE THEY MUST BE SAVED FROM THESE DRYING POOLS" Noah labours hard and long and finally the Ark is finished, Noah calls to God to see his work. "IT IS GOOD, JUST AS I DEMANDED NOW WE MUST SET TO FILLING IT" After much deliberation they cannot decide how to fill the Ark. God wants attractive fish but Noah wants fish to eat. Finally God says “I KNOW LET’S MAKE IT A CARP ARK”

” Sitting at her desk by the window of her convent, Sister Elizabeth opened a letter from home enclosing a £10 note. Seeing a shabbily-dressed man leaning against a lamp post in the street below, she quickly wrote"Don't despair - Sister Elizabeth", put it in an envelope with the £10 and dropped it down to the man below. He nodded, waved thanks and strolled off down the road. Next day she was told a man at the door was asking for her. She found a stranger waiting. Without a word he handed her some money. What's this" she asked. Your winnings, sister, £60. Don't Despair came in at five to one.

Scene:Three nuns are discussing which person they would like to have been. The first says “I would like to have been the Virgin Mary because she gave birth to our Lord” The second says “I would like to have been Mother Teresa because of all the wonderful things she did but The third says “I would like to have been Sara pipalina” The other two are totally mystified “who?” The third nun shows the other two a newspaper with the following headline Sahara pipeline laid by three thousand strong men.

” Scene:- Window cleaners cradle outside the 23rd storey "`Ere where did you come from?" "I flew didn`t I?" "Don`t pull my leg, men can`t fly" "Oh yes they can, they`ve just been doing it wrong; He then tucks his fists in his armpits and starts pumping vigorously, lifts off and flies away. A few minutes later another bloke appears. "I suppose you flew up here as well" "Well down actually but yeah I did" At that the first bloke comes back and the two of them fly around the building and piss about generally "C`mon and join us, it`s easy watch! " After much persuading the windowcleaner climbs on the side of his cradle, tucks his arms under his armpits and leaps into space. ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM splat!!! "Y`know Gabriel, for angels we`re real bastards"

Scene:- Jerusalem in Biblical times, a homicidal crowd is holding rocks and chanting "Stone her, stone her", at the centre of mob is a young woman, cowering and sobbing. Suddenly a white robed figure moves from the crowd, he stands over the terrified woman and raises his right arm "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" At this point a large rock is hurled from the crowd "MOTHER! sometimes you really piss me off"

Scene:- Garden of Eden. God is talking to Adam. "I HAVE CREATED WOMAN, SHE IS LIKE YOURSELF BUT NOW WITH BOTH SEXES YOU CAN REPRODUCE. GO AND MEET HER, SHE`S OVER YONDER" God explains the sex act and some vital points "OK God, see you later" A few minutes later Adam returns. "Ere God" "OH WHAT NOW" "What`s a headache?"

Scene:- Outside the Pearly Gates, Peter is talking to Jesus "Look Jesus I`m bored to tears at these gates, I must have a change." "Well theres only you, me and dad who are qualified, me and dad are really’ busy, so I can only relieve you for a couple of weeks. I`ll see you in a fortnight-OK?" So Jesus takes over and after hours staring at clouds an old man carrying a sack slowly approaches. Finally he is able to talk to him. "Hello old man, what`s in your sack?" "My tools, I`m a carpenter" "S`funny my father was a carpenter, anyway what are you here for?" "I`m looking for my son" "Well theres loads of people here, have you got any description?" "The last time that I saw him he had nails in his hands and feet" "Father" "Pinochio"

Scene: A man drives into a garage in a panic and grabs the nearest mechanic; "How big is a penguin?" "About waist high" "Oh sod it, I`ve run down a nun"

A little girl and her Dad are on a country drive when they hit a rabbit. They stop and try to help the rabbit but it is dead. At this point the vicar arrives and tries to placate the little girl who is sobbing uncontrollably. The vicar takes a small bottle out of his inside pocket and sprinkles its contents over the rabbit. After a few minuets the rabbit jumps up and bounds off, when it is 20 yards away it turns and waves. This continues as it bounds off-every 20 yards it turns and waves to them. At this Dad remarks to the vicar: "That was really great, it`s cheered my daughter right up, what was that stuff-Holy Water" "No, hair restorer with permanent wave"

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? - - - - "You're in the team for Tuesday."

” After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have one problem. It's these breasts you've Given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this , you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see.........where did I put that useless tit?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied "No, not yet, Father." The Father Said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye' Father." They parted ways. Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all" The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a Priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man, and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life together, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Jane. Jane." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk ."

The Pope is walking around whilst on a trip to Belfast when a strap breaks on his sandal. So showing great wisdom he choses to have it repaired in a protestant shop. As a contented Pope leaves the shop, the proud shopkeeper puts a sign in his window----- "COBBLERS TO THE POPE" The catholic shop opposite responds "BOLLOCKS TO THE QUEEN"

SCENE: In Heaven, a victim of a car crash manages to get Gabriel to let him return to Earth for a day to tie up some loose ends. Whilst back home he visits his old friend, Sam Lamb, and they spend the night at the club that Sam runs. After exactly 24 hours he is whisked out of the club and back to Heaven "Cheers Gabriel, that just what the doctor ordered" "Where's your bloody harp then? " "I left my harp in Sam Lamb's disco. "

The Pope is out in his limo. Suddenly he indicates for his chauffeur to pull over and stop. He then tells his driver that he would love to drive such a wonderful machine, so they swap places and the Pope drives. Anyway the Pope is enjoying so much he puts his foot down and cracks 120mph. The police eventually catch him and pull him over. The police sergant sends the young P.C. out in the cold to nick him. After a few minuets the P.C. returns and says I can`t nick him he`s too important. Who is it then, not a spotty pop star No much more important than that The prime minister then No much more important than that Not Royalty No much more important than that F**k me! Who is it then? I don`t know but the Pope is driving him.

Scene:- Jesus and Peter go to a brothel, each takes his chosen girl upstairs. About an hour later Peter comes downstairs beaming, looking like the cat who got the cream. He finds Jesus sitting in the reception looking really miserable. "Bout time too, I`ve been waiting for nearly an hour" "Chill out JC! what`s wrong, why so miserable?" "Coz it didn`t work out, thats why" "Brewers droop? " "Nah, it was all going great kissin, petting then I put my hand down her drawers " "So? " "Bloody thing healed up "

SCENE: A nun and a monk are travelling through the Desert on a camel. The camel collapses onto the ground leaving the nun and monk under the blazing sun, they take off their habits to make a shelter. Pointing at the monk's penis the nun exclaims "Whatever is that?" "It's the giver of life" "Well shove it up the camel's arse and let's get going"

SCENE: Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" one ditch digger aaid. "What's our world coming to when men of the cloth are visiting such places?" A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why 'tis no wonder the young people today are so confused, what with the example the clergymen set for them." After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic Priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel, "one of the porr lasses must be ill."

SCENE: A jungle clearing, an African village and two white missionaries preach at the crowd of natives before them. "We bring you greetings from civilization " "GAZUNGA" chants the natives "And news from the great white queen" "GAZUNGA" chants the natives "Who is now your queen "GAZUNGA" chants the natives "And news from the great white God" "GAZUNGA" chants the natives "Who is now your God" "GAZUNGA" chants the natives At the end of an hour of this the two missionaries pack up and promise to return. As they are leaving the village the chief shouts to them "Be careful you don't step in the elephant's gazunga! "

Scene: Two teenage girls are waiting outside the Priest’s office waiting to confess their sins The first goes in and confesses that she has had sex with a boy. She is told to bathe twice in holy water. She tells the other girl what her penance is. The second one goes in and says "I'll cut the crap and have a gargle ”

Twenty gipsies arrive at heaven’s gates and are greeted by St. Peter. “I’m afraid we have only got room for fifteen of you so you will have to stand outside and sort it out amongst yourselves”. Later….. “God, they’ve gone”. “WHAT, THE GIPSIES?” “No, the bleeding gates!”

SCENE: God and Gabriel are sitting around in heaven. "YOU KNOW GABRIEL I'M SO BORED, BEING AN INFINITE BEING CAN BE A REAL DRAG." "What you need is a good holiday." "FINE GREAT, BUT WHERE DO I GO? " "Pluto?" "TOO DAMNED COLD." "Alpha Santorini?" "NO ITS REALLY BORING THERE." "I know go back to Earth, visit the Old Chosen Race ." "NO WAY, LAST TIME I WENT THERE WAS 2000 YEARS AGO, I GOT SOME GIRL UP THE CLUB AND THEY'RE STILL ON ABOUT IT."

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeated. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Thank the Lord! I thought you said a Protestant."

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the Miami hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!

SCENE: Three nuns die together in a car crash and all arrive at the gates of heaven together. Saint Peter is there to greet them and tells them that normally he would let them through but the rules had changed and he must ask each of them a question before they can pass. To the first one he says "What is the name of the first woman?" The nun replies "Eve". "Correct" he says and waves her through. To the second he says "Where did Eve live?" The nun replies "The Garden of Eden". "Correct" he says and waves her through. To the third he says "You are the Mother Superior and therefore your question will be a little bit tricky . . . . . What did Eve say when she first met Adam in the Garden of Eden?" The nun thinks about it and says to Saint Peter "Oh, that's a hard one". "Correct" he said and waves her through.

SCENE: A reporter is writing an article about a monastery that has amazingly long living and healthy monks. He is being shown around the monastery by the Abbott and meeting the monks, many of which are in their 80s but only appear to be in their late Fifties. Suddenly a wizened old man approaches the Abbott and the reporter. “How old is in the then?” “Oh that is our brother Benedict, a very tragic case he is only 35.” “What happened then?” “He had a wet dream on St Swithins day.”

Scene:- Choirboy asks the priest to lend him a pound. "Whatever for? " "A wank" The priest doesn't understand but lends him a pound anyway. Later the priest asks one of the nuns "What`s a wank? " "A pound"

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, " Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy" After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. " So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Doomsday, A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked; "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity? Persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Scene: The pope is in America on a tour and is very dismayed that everywhere he goes he crowd chant “ ELVIS ELVIS”. The Pope tells the crowd that he is the Pope but the crowd continue to chant “ELVIS, ELVIS” This continues throughout the day, the Pope telling the crowd that he is not Elvis but the crowd continue to chant “ELVIS, Elvis, Elvis” In total disarray the Pope returns to his hotel-room only to find a beautiful naked girl laying on his bed, as he walks in she starts to chant “ELVIS, Elvis, Elvis”. That the Pope starts to sing “Its one for the money

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays. The man thinks: What does a priest know about sex? So he visits a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, My son, sex is definitely play. The man replies, Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work? The Rabbi softly speaks, My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?" "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long." " I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?" "The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week." "What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest was pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

A group of nuns find a stray dog in the grounds of their convent and wish to keep it. The Mother Superior points out that it is a male dog and as the convent has only women in it that it must be doctored before it can be accepted into the convent. When the dog returned from the vet an argument broke out amongst the nuns, half of the nuns wanted to call the dog Monday as this was the day the dog was found. The others wanted to call him Tuesday as this was the day that he returned from the vet's. The Mother Superior was asked to settle the argument. She replied neither, he will be called tomorrow …. …. Because tomorrow never comes!

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," she replied. So, God opened a can of tuna, unwrapped a loaf of rye bread, and they began to share it. While eating the humble tuna sandwich, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasant and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day, God invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey and apple pie. Still, she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here ! in heaven, all I get is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the other place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it." God sighed: "Let's be honest, Teresa. For two people, it just doesn't pay to cook."

Money will buy a bed but not sleep, food but not appetite; finery bur not beauty; a house but not a home; luxuries but not culture; amusment but not happiness; religion but not salvation; a passport to everywhere - but not heaven.

The HR process One day, while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

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