Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "Y know,Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Husband wanted - A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." "You play golf?" "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?". "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." "What's your handicap?" "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round some time." "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."

A teenage girl who has no legs goes out to the disco. Whilst at a table a lad chats her up and buys her a drink. After a while he suggests they dance together, she points out that she can`t coz she has no legs."No problem" says he"just clasp your arms round my neck and I`ll carry you". Anyway they spend the evening dancing, drinking and chatting. At closing time he helps her into his car and drives her home. On the way they pass a school. "Stop here" says she "we`ll have a bit of sex" "But you haven`t got any legs" says he. "Don`t worry just hang my arms on the railings and take my drawers off" Anyway after the deed is done they are back at her house for coffee when her dad takes him aside, "You`re a really good bloke" "Why? just coz I bought her a few drinks and had a dance"says the lad. " No you are a really good bloke coz the other f***ers leave her on the railings".

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Mad Malcolm popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Malcolm nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Weird Harold stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

A seven foot giant is standing at the urinal either side of him a four foot midget. He looks down to his right, and the man is shaking his head The giant says - are you okay there? Man- Yeah its a war wound, I got it in the Somme The Giant then looks down to his left, and the man is shaking his head The giant says is yours a war wound too No you are pissing in my ear

When Bert was asked to run in a marathon, he said “no”. But, when it was pointed out that it was for kids with cerebral palsy…. He thought, why not – I’m bound to win!

A wheelchair user is visiting his local pub after a visit to Lourdes paid for by funds raised by his mates in the pub. “Well how did it go Ralph?” “Well because I can’t stand they fixed up a small crane and picked me up in my chair and dipped the whole lot in, my M.S. is no better but my wheelchair has got new tyres “

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" ‘"Well," she said, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!"

On a chat show on TV, the guest he is a blind man, Louis,well renowned for his daredevil exploits. "I understand you even go parachuting?" "Yes that is true." "But how do you know when you are about to hit the ground?" "That is easy, the lead on my guide dog goes slack."

SCENE: Waiting for the last bus on a cold night are a man and wife, their ten kids and a blindman. When the bus arrived it had only 11 empty places, so the man tells his wife to go on and take the kids home. After the bus leaves the two men set off to walk home, after a while the man gets irritated by the tapping of the blindman's stick. "Can't you put a rubber on your stick? " "If you'd put a rubber on your stick we'd be on the bus"

SCENE: A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

scene: A block of old people's apartments, all of the residents have small screen televisions except Mr Jenkins, a miserable rich old man who has a 42 inch flat screen television. One day Mrs Smith goes and asks the horrible Mr Jenkins if she can watch Sunday's showing of the sound of music on his television. He grudgingly agrees as long as she holds his Willie throughout the film, she reluctantly agrees. A few weeks later Dr Zhivago is on the television, Mrs Smith goes to see Mr Jenkins " Dr Zhivago is on television this Sunday can I watch it on your television, same deal as before." "No, sod off Mrs Brown is coming." "What's she got that I haven't?" "Parkinson's"

A couple are together on a date and get to talkng about their families. Boy: I`ve got a brother who has a wooden eye, and coz he is so self-concious about it he never goes out. Girl: s`funny my sister has a mouth that opens east/west instead of north/south, she rarely goes out. So they arrange for them to out to the pictures together. At the interval of the film Brother: Would you like a choc ice Sister: Oh wouldn`t I Brother: Shuddup arse-face

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