An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

A man walks into a Bank, gets in the line-up, and when it was his turn, he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank. But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line. . . . Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies, 'YES' The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head, and BANG ! . . . he shoots him in the head and kills him. He quickly moves to the next customer in line, and says to the man. . . DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK ???? The man calmly responds, 'No. . . . but my wife did !

Bert buys himself a new pair of cowboy boots and takes him home to his wife and says ‘Do you notice anything different about me?’ She says ‘No, you’re the same old Bert’. He runs out the room in a rage and goes upstairs and takes off all of his clothes except for his new cowboy boots. He returns to the kitchen and says to his wife ‘Now do you notice anything different about me? Margie looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGIE?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margie replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. "The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid", she thought as she fell. "What a way to die". As she passed the 14th floor a man, standing at his railing, caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the 8th floor. "I suck, I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself in to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Scene: two women chatting over coffee. “Well did, you take my advice about how to spice up your sex life?” “Yes. I tried what you said. I dressed up in thigh length boots, a black leather basque and to add a little mystery I wore a mask” “So did it work like I said?” “Not really, when he came in from work he took one look at me and said: “What’s for dinner batman?”

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