A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy, pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and
ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.



With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January,
one for February, one for March..."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

'I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It Worked!   The headaches are all gone.' The husband replies, 'Well,
that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly
a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see
the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it  following his appointment, the husband
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He
goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into
bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The
First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, He
goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife...'
.
.
.

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

WOMAN'S DIARY:



            Saturday 20th October 2007
            Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
            I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did
            turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
            The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go
            somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
            distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All
            through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed
            and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I
            was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me
            back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;
            he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was
            something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned
            the television on.
            After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs
            to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him
            deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't
            follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made
            love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to
            think that he was going to leave me and that he had found
            someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

            MANS DIARY:

            Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost to South Africa.
            Gutted.
            Got a shag though .

Subject: Giving up Wine

I was  walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.

I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.   'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.  ' I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.  
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my  
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
 wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a
 special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
 says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
 your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of
 the trade and spice up our sex life a bit"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
 for St. Helens!!!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you?  My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.  Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.  Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

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