The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said,

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh sh--t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but
something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?".

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

"We're having a new kitchen".

SCENE: Our hero is in a posh shopping mall with his wife, when last night's curry makes a very insistent call. The nearest toilet is a LADIES but needs must, so our hero goes in while his wife stands guard outside. As he enters the cubical his wife gives him some advice,

"While you're in there just hurry up and don't press any buttons."

Our hero has never been in a loo like it, and soon presses one of the buttons, marked WW
At this a small jet of warm water sprays over his genitals, boy these girls have it good and goes on and presses the button marked WA. At this a stream of warm air dries his genitals, great he thinks and presses a third button ATR.

The next thing our hero knows is waking up in hospital, a note is laying on his chest:

"You wouldn't take my advice, ATR is automatic tampax removal, your dick is under your pillow "

Scene: A rich man is discussing his coming birthday with his wife.

"You know last year that I asked for my headstone and coffin so I could choose me funeral that I wanted. "

"Yes that's right."

"Well what are you going to get for me this year?"

"I'm not sure that you deserve a gift, you haven't used last years yet."

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: -  - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k !!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally

naked. soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my L0VE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"L0VE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband L0VEs me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites

him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic

and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put

on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the

couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my L0VE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!

Our hero has met a wonderful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She argued, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He answered,

"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was fantastic!"
He replied, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps backstroke she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He exclaimed, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she answered, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

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