A couple and their cat

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering
machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the
couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
out into the yard ran back into the house.

They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried
to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the
house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that
her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say
good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the
roses!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car....

   A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,  pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

   The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

   "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

   So he tied her up and went golfing.

RUTHIE

Ruthie was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted him and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, her husband really enjoyed his dinner.

"Ruthie, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, Ruthie made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

Her bridge cronies came around to pay their respects and while they were sitting around the kitchen table one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly drinking tea knowing you murdered your husband?"

Ruthie stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
mantel while he was licking his butt."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.

Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he

often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground." This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:

"Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!”

A man and his wife are together in a restaurant when a beautiful young lady passes, she winks and waves to the husband.

"Who the devil is that?"

After much interrogation the man confesses that she is his mistress, the wife immediately demands a divorce. The man points out that she would lose a very good life, a lovely house and many foreign holidays. She reluctantly agrees and decides that preserving the status quo is by far the best solution.

At that point one of their friends passes with a young lady on his arm.

"Who is that with that with Derek?"

"That is his mistress."

"She is not as good as ours."

SCENE: There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. Went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

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