Scene:- A windswept, cold and wet night on a lonely Scottish moor.

A Russian spy, who has just parachuted down, is searching for shelter when he spies a light in the distance.  He eventually reaches the light, its from a shepherd`s cottage, he knocks and is welcomed in by a gay shepherd

He is fed, given copious warm drinks and is made very welcome. Finally as it becomes late the shepherd offers him a bed.

"You do realise that I`m a Russian spy"

"Of course but red spy at night is shepherd`s delight"

SCENE:  In  Heaven, a victim of a car crash manages to get Gabriel to let him  return  to  Earth  for  a day to tie up some loose ends. Whilst back home  he visits his old friend, Sam Lamb, and they spend the night at the club  that Sam runs. After exactly 24 hours he is whisked out of the club and back to Heaven"

"Cheers Gabriel, that just what the doctor ordered"

"Where's your bloody harp then? "

"I left my harp in Sam Lamb's disco.  "

Simon is appearing on Stars in their Eyes and after a short chat with Matthew Kelly in which he reveals that he is a farmer, he starts his act in which he is appears as Bob Dylan.  He wins hands down.

Six months later he is back for the final.  Matthew Kelly asks him how he has been over the last six months.

"Well it has been quite a tragic time, my uncle and I were working together with the threshing machine and in terrible accident my uncle was killed and I lost both arms and legs."

"You seem remarkably complete now."

"Yes I was very lucky, the surgeon was marvellous he managed to 'graft both of my uncles arms and legs on to my body and make them work again."

"That's good to hear, so who you would be performing as tonight?"

"Simon and half uncle"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the

man who shot my paw."

Scene: A man is fishing and catches a small salmon, he is surprised as the fish talks
"Hello I'm Rusty, I'm only little please throw me back"
So our hero throws Rusty back and continues fishing.
Some years later our hero is out fishing again and catches a large salmon, as he lands it, the fish starts talking.
"Hello, don't you remember me, I'm Rusty."
"Come to mention it I do recall you, where have you been these years?"
"I have travelled all over the world, I've even found where the Titanic lies, I'm going to write a book about my travels, it's going to be called
SALMON RUSTY'S TITANIC VERSES

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of

them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The

other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Year's later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth

mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband

that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband

responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen

Ahmal."

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead

raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry,

gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A man  in a fish restaurant is asked to choose his fish from the tank.

"I`ll have that wild looking green octopus."

"I`m sorry sir, will you point him out? "

"Look  that  wild  looking  one  with  the hairs round its mouth"

"I`m sorry sir you can`t have that one, we use it for washing-up"

"What???"

"Of course, don`t you use WILD GREEN HAIRY LIPPED SQUID"