SCENE: Doctor’s surgery
“Doctor, everytime I fart the noise it makes is Honda and not pppffffart, as you would expect.”
“Will you open your mouth please” he does so, the doctor peers in and says “I thought as much you have an abcess.”
“I’m sorry I fail to see the connection.”
“Abcess makes the fart go Honda”

Scene:- 1930`s Chicago, Al Capone is showing off his new shoes to his gang.

"Well wha`d`yer think of dees den, cost me 500 bucks"

"Terrific Al, really great"

That night Al Capone cleans his shoes, kisses them goodnight and lays them by his bed.  Al Capone is a fresh air freak and always sleeps with an open window, during the night a cat climbs in and wrecks his new shoes.

When he wakes in the  morning and sees the mess that was his shoes he calls the gang in.

"I want the cat that messsed wid my shoes"

Anyway the gang combs South-side Chicago and by evening one  of his gang comes back clutching a scruffy moggie

"Pardon me Al, is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

A  man  wants  to  kill his wife, so hires the cheapest hitman he can  find--a bloke called Arty who says he will do it for a quid.

Its  arranged that the wicked deed will be done Tuesday afternoon in  Tesco`s  and  to  aid  identification she`ll be wearing black boots and a red coat.

Come  Tuesday,  Arty  is  hidden amongst the cereals when a woman 8-8wearing  black  boots  and  a red coat comes along, he duly leaps out and strangles her.

Proudly  Arty leaves Tesco`s, he sees another woman wearing black boots and red coat so he strangles her as well.

Next day the headlines read:

ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO`S

A tourist while visiting Austria was standing by Beethoven's grave and was astounded to hear music coming out from the grave.  As the listened the realised that it was the Moonlight Sonata being played backwards.

As the left the cemetery he mentioned it to the curator that he had heard the Moonlight Sonata being played backwards.

"don't worry about that, it only Beethoven decomposing."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain

during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental

medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and

were standing in the lobby discussing their recent

tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came

out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",

one asked, as they moved off. "Because," the manager

replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open

foyer."

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.  One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Claire-Lee and after awhile it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire-Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Claire-Lee.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

 
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

 
Get ready, it's good...

 
'I can see Claire-Lee now Lor-raine has gone'

SCENE:  The  chairman  of  Cunard is out driving to an important meeting, when  his  Rolls  Royce  gets  a  puncture  in a country lane.  Luckily a farmhand  is  around  and helps him change the wheel.  During his task he asks

"This  is  a lovely car you`ve got, what work do you do to afford this? "

"I work for Cunard"

"I work fer kin hard but I don't have a car like that"