A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and
answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..'

'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak
English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that. 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I
don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife
and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the man.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on
his knees and began to kiss her all over....'
Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

SCENE:- A lady gets on a jumbo jet 1st class and is surprised to see a man and a dog occupying the seats by the door.

“Excuse me sir but what is that dog doing on the plane?”

The man puts his index finger across his lips and says

“He’s a very special security dog who can sniff out illegal substances.”

The dog is sent off and returns after a few minutes and places his front paws on the man’s knees and barks

“Well?”

“He’s found some cannabis, don’t worry we’ll sort it out when we’re airborne.”

The dog goes off again and returns places his front paws on the man’s knees and barks twice. The lady arches her eyebrows.

“This time he’s found some heroin, but no problem we’ll sort it out in the flight.”

As the plane takes off the dog goes off on his final search and soon returns. He jumps onto the man’s lap and shits. Puzzled by this the lady becomes agitated.

“I think he’s found a bomb!”

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon

tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer

look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the

wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how

to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't

have a siren."

Scene: A new recruit in the foreign Legion asks an old hand a very pressing question.

"What do we do for a bit of the other in this fort?"

"Well it's like this son, you go into the stables and grab a camel."

Well our hero doesn't fancy that at all but after three months without any he becomes desperate and takes a large box into the stables to stand on and starts to him give a camel one. At this point the old hand walks into the stable.

"What the f ********* are you doing?"

"You told me to grab a camel when I wanted a bit of the other."

"Sure I did, grab a camel and ride into town."

Freda the field-mouse is getting ready to meet her fiance Wilfred who lives at the other side of the field. She puts on her best dress her prettiest bonnet and a pair of white gloves and sets off to meet Wilfred.

Unfortunately as she crossed the field she was caught up in the combine harvester. She manages to extradite herself from the bale spewed out from the harvester and continues her journey to get to Wilfred.

Wilfred is standing waiting in his best suit looking at his pocket watch when a very bedraggled Freda arrives, she is covered in cuts and bruises; her dress is in tatters, her bonnet wrecked and her gloves ruined.

"What has happened to you my love?"

"Oh Wilfred, I have been reaped."

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says,

"Beat it: You are washed up

and I am taking over."

The old rooster says,

"I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking

and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

 - BOOM -

he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dammit.....

third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

always overcome youth and arrogance! 

Scene: A journalist is interviewing a young woman about her recent ordeal which occurred on her recent expedition around Africa and Asia.

“Just to make it clear to our readers, you were held captive by a male gorilla for over a year until

you were rescued and I understand that you even set up home together?”

“Yes that is true, we almost were man and wife.”

“Well that’s incredible! Did he hurt you?”

“I’ll say he hurt me, he never writes, he never calls.”

SCENE: A car breaks down in a country lane and the our-hero is under the bonnet when he hears a voice;

"It`s the carburetta"

He looks round to see that the only living thing is a horse.

Anyway he ignores it and carries on, every couple of minutes the

horse repeats:

"It`s the carburetta"

After half an hour he checks the carburetta, finds the trouble,

fixes it and drives to a nearby garage. At the garage he tells

the story to the mechanic,

"Funny thing y`know, back up the road when I was fixing my car: a

horse kept telling me it was the carburetta. "

"Was it a black horse or a white horse? "

"Black"

"S`alright then cos the white one knows bugger-all about cars"

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